Christian's Momma

Mother's Day is a noble attempt to honor the woman in our life that birthed us and raised us.

My mother was only 21 when I was born - she dedicated herself to me and my sister. I don't have one single memory of an important event in my life where she was not there - cheering me on.

I carry her voice in my head and heart everyday of my life. I am so thankful that she taught me the ways of the Father and pushed me to be my very best.

This day also makes me think of my grandmothers - Evelyn Elizabeth Holley and Margaret Pauline Tigner. 

Grandma Holley is in heaven - I remember her wide toothless smile and her deep brown eyes. My Grandma Holley was a God-fearing woman - she spent much of her life in a chair - praying and loving from that space.  She took joy in small things.  She died the year I became a mother. She never had the chance to meet her grandsons - but I know that she would be so tickled by them.

On October 3, 2003, I became mom to a head strong four year old boy, Christian Lee Howard. To say that I was terrified is an understatement. I had never cared for anything other than a cat, and now I had a real live flesh and blood son. No pregnancy or baby shower - no labor and delivery -- just POW and I was a mother.  Somewhere inside myself I knew that this would be my life's greatest challenge.

My heart aches when I think of all the mis-steps and wrong turns I have taken as a mother. I had this dream of cuddle time and long hugs - reading while on a blanket in the backyard and just blissful, peaceful love.  Reality was screaming fits, lots of mud, and stark naked fear.  Christian and I have a strong bond - but it is much different than I would have expected.  It has been forged in a war for control.  My boy is not only head strong - but brilliant and catches on at lightening speed.  We fought for control over meal time, nap time, bath time, toilet training, and school.  Every time I thought I would lose my mind - the Lord would help to see that my chubby faced - brown eyed boy was just making sure he was safe.

Getting a new mother at 4 must have been so difficult for him. But we didn't give up.  He will be 13 in about 3 months and I am so proud of the young man he has become.  I realize that he is more like me than I would like to admit.  Strong willed, immovable - He brought me flowers yesterday in his shy way.  I wrapped my arms around my stubborn boy and squeezed.  I realize that I loved him - more than ever. 

I realize that motherhood is a commitment that has no end...that I have learned to love another woman's child as my own flesh and blood - and that this is made possible only through the Father's love for me.

Just when I think my patience will wear out and I will really lose my mind this time - there is grace from above and unspeakable love from the depths of me that urges me onward.  Not a mushy gushy love - but a strength that the Lord gives to love completely even in the midst of whatever battle we are fighting. 

You see, Christian was dedicated to the Father when he was a young child - he has a life purpose to further His Kingdom.  Christian is already advancing the Father's love - you should see my boy minister and love our homeless friends...give up his extra pillow or back pack to one that doesn't have anything.  I will continue to wage this war for my son's soul.  The evil one tried to take out my boy through abuse and abandonment - but I will not allow this to be his heritage or to determine his future. 

On this Mother's Day - I want to thank God for my strong-willed son and praise Him that he trusted me enough to be his mother.  I send prayers to all the adoptive moms and step-moms that engage in the same struggle - know that you are not alone - and you are doing the Father's work - every time you hold your child and don't give up - you are the hands and feet of God.

Love to you all.

--Liz

And justice for all...

Seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly before your God...

My employment is being an attorney.  This always surprises people. They have never met a poor lawyer...it is amusing to watch people register this fact about me.  I am SO NOT the typical attorney at law.

I went to law school with the lofty idea of helping people.  My calling came out of Proverbs 31:8&9. "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those who are perishing. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice."

I am ashamed to say - that I lost track of this calling at points in my career - the lure of money and influence often clouded my mission to seek justice for the poor and helpless.  Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with making a good living and influencing your profession - these are noble pursuits when coupled with God's will.  But my call is different...on and off for 10 years I have struggled with the drive to be the best - make the most - make a name for myself AND the alternative voice - seek justice for those who cannot speak for themselves.

I am thankful that I serve a patient Father who gently guides me back to His plan for my life.  I am now working as a children services attorney in the poorest county in the State of Ohio.  I don't have an assistant or a plush office space - no one brings me coffee or goes to pick up my lunch (I would so love this!!).  But I work with the most amazing, committed people I have ever met.

This week I had a trial - I cannot give the details, but, seriously, it was the most rewarding thing I have ever been a part of...I watched love and truth overcome serious evil.  I do have a dramatic bend...but I am not exaggerating in this case. I have never been more fulfilled in my work than I am right now!  I had the opportunity to assist in giving the helpless a chance to speak up for themselves - to fulfill the exact call on my life. Praise be to God. He is the giver of good gifts.

IT IS WORTH IT! Following the Father's voice is worth it. I am posting this on my blog so when the dark times come - I can read it and remember, remember His goodness.

I will hold my head high as I clip coupons, barter for car repairs, and shop discount stores. I will shine up my 10 yr old car and tell anyone who will listen of His goodness and mercy.  I will begin to try to love this single wide trailer and the freedom it has given me to find this gift of obedience.

Happy weekend, friends. May you find the same gift of fulfillment in your daily lives.  May your days, even when they seem mundane, bring the Father glory!

After a six month hiatus...

I have decided to reboot the old blog. Yes, we are still living in our single wide trailer, and yes there are still bugs and mice...less though - we are becoming avid warriors!

I have been amazed at how my flesh has continued to struggle with this transition. How changing our societal status by choice has been so unsettling. So much of my identity was wrapped up in my job and our home. I didn't make much money and had a very simple, conservative home - however we were still "acceptable" because we were somewhat "normal".

Being poor, or identified as poor, by choice is sincerely uncomfortable for everyone concerned.  Don't you have any drive? Don't you have goals for your future? And the zinger for me, "How will this effect your children?"  People we love so much, do not understand our choice. Hell - most days I don't understand our choice - but one thing is sure...I am not spending the next 38 years climbing an invisible ladder that leads to self-centered, self-righteous living.

Mike has started looking for additional part time work - even though he puts in more than 40 hours a week at a job that is not valued by our society and therefore, does not pay.  He has endured harsh criticism by the well meaning, and has been virtually ignored by those we thought would help. No, this not the ramblings of a bitter wife - just someone who is once again counting the cost.

We continue to slug it out because our hearts have been stirred by the Father.  It is so vital that I remember what got us here. Selfish motives on my part in some ways...less stress, less bills, more time to be a mom...
And now that it is hard - harder than I ever imagined, why are we here? Was this just a mid-life mis-step? No. I still believe that God moved our hearts through His Word, our trusted pastors and my trip to Ethiopia. I still believe we serve a God that is heart broken for the broken and the poor.  And more than ever, I believe the Father reveals Himself in the struggle.

I find peace in knowing that I am engaged in the struggle to know Him and advance His love.  My sister sent me a text the other day reminding me of the final verse shared by our Dad on his last Sunday before he died - Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous...

I will continue forward with courage, in our single wide trailer - I will answer the strange looks and judging spirits with compassion and view it as an opportunity to share how close the Father is to the struggle...

I will continue to fight the fear that chases me with strength and confidence in the One who calls my family out from among the normal to experience Him in a different way.  His Words will be my battle cry to the enemy...we will not stop, we will not falter - I will not be moved.

Your prayers are so appreciated. I pray many blessings on you and yours.

News...

Happy Holidays!! So much has changed since my last post...

I have started my new contract job with Pike County Children Services - best gig, ever!! It is such a blessing to work with ladies that love people and give their all for almost nothing in return.  They are a true blessing.

I am working part time - more time to sleep, eat, and WORRY. But the best part is more time for my boys. I love this.  I know Christian would rather I move back to Columbus and leave him alone - but it is so wonderful to be more hands on with them.  I get to read and do homework with Elisha and attend basketball practice with Christian.  Being a mom - it makes everything else make sense.

If you are wondering about our new NEWS...I am now running a boarding house for country mice.  There is a spacious and easily accessible entrance under my kitchen sink.  I clean their poop up everyday while Mike does war with the peanut butter smeared traps...sometimes I think I can hear them laughing at us.  This life continues to stretch me - make me re-evaluate things.

Oh and HUNTING SEASON...I was minding my own business the other day and heard a gun shot - YES A GUN SHOT....being from the south end of Columbus, my initial instinct is to HIT THE FREAKIN DECK.  I soon realize that I live in a "kill the deer" zone.  There are many, many large trucks, with many, many large men and their tiny sons in orange and camo gear.  Apparently the Monday after Thanksgiving is gun season.  So now when I leave my house - I wear reflective gear and RUN not walk, to my car. 

People miss work - and purposefully put deer pee on themselves and wear T-A-C-K-Y outfits to kill pretty little Bambies.  There is talk of deer stands (do you purchase deer at these stands - NO - you sit there to wait for them. REALLY).

Our pastor, Dennis, can shoot a deer with his left hand while reading his Bible with his right hand - this is not an exaggeration!! We have events at church to ready our gun sights and shoot at random things while hooping and hollering.  Snacks included.  Makes me think twice about that meat loaf at the next church dinner, know what I mean?

Just when I think I have things figured out they throw another wringer! Guess what's after gun/deer season?  Wait for it....MUZZLE LOADER/deer season - yes, some people still shoot with muzzle loaders, just like George Washington and Patrick Henry. I thought my father-in-law was making this up, but he assures me it is much more modern today, and, of course, very MANLY. 

Do you think Muzzle loaders kill mice?  I mean - at this point I am willing to try anything!

Just wanted to update you all on a few of the more significant country discoveries.

So thankful for the friends and family on this journey with me...

Happy Friday. love to you all. 

Hallowed

I was driving to work this morning, whining (big shock) and I felt a gentle Voice drawing me to pray - I didn't know what to pray, so I started with our Lord's Prayer and got as far as Hallowed be thy name.

Hallowed - holy, sacred, revered....

Our Father in Heaven...HALLOWED be Thy Name...And I was struck by the simplicity - it is not about me. It is for His glory and purpose. Not that He minds venting and honest cries, but He is to be held as holy, sacred and revered.  My life is to be an offering.

I am humbled by the comments to my posts...I am not courageous - but I know WHO I believe in...it is not a pretty story from an old manuscript - scribed in the first century A.D.  It is my personal story of need and provision. Of life made sacred through the Hallowed One, Jesus.

I believe He hears me when I cry out - that He is present and REAL in my day to day. I believe. That is my only true responsibility for today - to believe that He is and that He rewards those who seek Him diligently. What peace that brings to me in this moment for this day.  May He be glorified through this - that I am not ashamed of the path He has called me to - and I will wait for Him - not because of what I have to offer - but because He is HALLOWED and I want His constant finger prints on the pages of my story.

Here is to the gentle Voice's call...

Happy Monday.

The Lord's Prayer

(traditional)

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

Three Ulcers and a Funeral

Okay. I worry. I worry A LOT.  I like to be in control. I prefer well-thought-out adventures without surprises.

Imagine my surprise when I passed out in the small bathroom in my single wide trailer last week.  That, my friends, was NOT part of the transition plan.  Well several tests and a two-day hospital stay later and I was diagnosed with bleeding ulcers.  I am not asking for sympathy - just wanted to point out that our health insurance runs out in November and my last day of steady, reliable employment is November 11, 2011. Perfect, huh?

I have this pit in my stomach...not from ulcers or numerous medications, but a raging uneasiness. I am full of second guessing and questions.  What the HELL was I thinking (sorry, mom, for the curse words, I believe my curse filter is set to OFF). 

The funeral part is not an actual funeral - thank God. But a funeral for my budding career as a domestic relations lawyer.  Let's have a moment of peace for my old dreams of partnership and fame...they have been traded for a part-time gig with a FABULOUS children services' agency and well, I don't know what else. And before you ask, NO THERE ARE NO BENEFITS. I am willingly plunging myself, husband and our children into the unknown and frightening realm of the un-insured. And I am TERRIFIED.  Lots of all caps today - sorry.

I decided not to stop writing this blog just because I am having a hard time.  That would be dishonest.  Right now, this adventure sort of sucks.

I am not brave. I whine too much. I focus on the negative and do not sleep well.  I worry that my children are living in a crummy trailer and that they will wonder what is wrong with them - why don't they have nice things like the other children around them. No cable. No computers. No new video games. Just library movies and books. Oh and a half-crazed mother that passes out in the bathroom because she eats Excedrin like candy and chases it with Alka-Selzer...

I miss our house.  Its warmth and non-bugginess/non-mousiness. Add to this that we had to stop paying our mortgage to qualify for short sale b/c we lost $70,000.00 in equity due to the mortgage crisis and you have the recipe for three giant ulcers...

Where is my Faith, you may ask - funny, I am asking the same thing.  Where is my security found? Where is my trust placed? Who is in control of this mess?  Where do I place my feet when the ground is shifting? No happy anecdote or funny punch-line.

Am I for real? Do I really want to do the work to make this transition work? More questions than answers. More doubt than faith. More worry than peace.  I will be honest, I am on the fence. I am tired and sick.

Would God even want me to mention His Holy name in a rambling messy post like this? 

He is peeling away myself - layer by layer and it is ugly under here...no shiny baubles to distract from my doubt and worry. No fancy shopping trips or dinners-out to take my mind off things.  Just bare bleeding ulcers and a gut full of worry. And silence - and guilt that I am not all I thought I was...
Is this where you are, Lord?  Do you wait for me here in this place of infection and strain?  Do You still love this hot mess?  Do You shake Your Head at my initial enthusiasm and then predictable melt down?  Is this what it means to participate in the fellowship of Your sufferings - or are You just peeling away years of false-self and my pretend personage? 

I need You more now than ever.  I don't have the strength to continue to battle against the culture and my own inner-critic without Your help.

I am waiting for You...do You hear me?

As a child waits for the attention of her father...I wait for You.

MOVING DAY!!

After much weeping and gnashing of teeth the day of the move has FINALLY arrived!


This reminded me of traffic in Ethiopia...we don't have THIS much stuff!

By Sunday, September 4th - we will be official Ross County, Ohio Residents!! I have thought about this transition for so long that I can't believe it is finally happening.  The things that were just theories in my head are now reality!! 

TRAILER/COUNTRY REALITIES

FUEL OIL = okay - did you know that the gas to run my stove and furnace will be stored out back in a fuel tank?  WHAT?  I thought there were line thing a ma jigs for that?  I called to have our first delivery scheduled and requested that the tank be painted - "Sofia" - the nice Blue Flame lady - could barely stifle her giggling at my concern over the outward condition of our fuel tank...

TOILET PAPER - ok - did you know that use of too much - too thick - toilet paper can end up with a poop flood in my back yard?? This is news to me.  Only a little toilet paper - and super thin toilet paper, or we will be hiking through doo-doo.  I have NEVER considered where my toilet paper ends up...

SHORT SHOWERS - five minute showers at the trailer - b/c the leech bed can only handle so much water at one time...ummm - what is a leech bed? And what do worms have to do with the amount of water we use when we shower...will they come through the drain and suck my blood too?

NIGHT NOISES - Frogs.are.LOUD!!  I do not want to hear anyone complain about the noisy traffic in the city - frogs/crickets/unknown loud varmints beat any semi I have EVER heard. 

WOOD ROACHES - yes - these are bugs that live in the trees and come into my house when it is cold outside...this discovery made me cry for an entire day - seriously sobbed...(more about these tears in another post)

STREET LIGHTS - it is SO dark in the country - the stars take my breath - I had forgotten there are so many!

MICE - they think they live in my trailer - my father in law patched a hole in the wall and the buggers just chewed through again.  Mike (MY HERO!) has set traps.  Country mice are sturdy.  One mouse squirmed in a trap all night - slamming against the wall and finally Mike had to "put it out of our misery".  Please do not think less of us...if we had let him go - he would have come back in.  The boys were devastated - Elisha insisted it was super cute and we should let it live...however, he wasn't ready to let it live in our new home - so - well - you get the picture.
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I am so thankful to my family for their help during this transition.  We could not have made this happen without the help of Mike's mom, step-dad and brother, Scott.

The musty smells of our new home remind me that there has been no human life in our trailer for three or four years.  I will continue to try to make this space our home and will try to learn to appreciate that ants, roaches, mice and moths and other spiders are God's creation too.

Thanks for your prayers and continued interest in what God is doing for us!