Hallowed

I was driving to work this morning, whining (big shock) and I felt a gentle Voice drawing me to pray - I didn't know what to pray, so I started with our Lord's Prayer and got as far as Hallowed be thy name.

Hallowed - holy, sacred, revered....

Our Father in Heaven...HALLOWED be Thy Name...And I was struck by the simplicity - it is not about me. It is for His glory and purpose. Not that He minds venting and honest cries, but He is to be held as holy, sacred and revered.  My life is to be an offering.

I am humbled by the comments to my posts...I am not courageous - but I know WHO I believe in...it is not a pretty story from an old manuscript - scribed in the first century A.D.  It is my personal story of need and provision. Of life made sacred through the Hallowed One, Jesus.

I believe He hears me when I cry out - that He is present and REAL in my day to day. I believe. That is my only true responsibility for today - to believe that He is and that He rewards those who seek Him diligently. What peace that brings to me in this moment for this day.  May He be glorified through this - that I am not ashamed of the path He has called me to - and I will wait for Him - not because of what I have to offer - but because He is HALLOWED and I want His constant finger prints on the pages of my story.

Here is to the gentle Voice's call...

Happy Monday.

The Lord's Prayer

(traditional)

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

Three Ulcers and a Funeral

Okay. I worry. I worry A LOT.  I like to be in control. I prefer well-thought-out adventures without surprises.

Imagine my surprise when I passed out in the small bathroom in my single wide trailer last week.  That, my friends, was NOT part of the transition plan.  Well several tests and a two-day hospital stay later and I was diagnosed with bleeding ulcers.  I am not asking for sympathy - just wanted to point out that our health insurance runs out in November and my last day of steady, reliable employment is November 11, 2011. Perfect, huh?

I have this pit in my stomach...not from ulcers or numerous medications, but a raging uneasiness. I am full of second guessing and questions.  What the HELL was I thinking (sorry, mom, for the curse words, I believe my curse filter is set to OFF). 

The funeral part is not an actual funeral - thank God. But a funeral for my budding career as a domestic relations lawyer.  Let's have a moment of peace for my old dreams of partnership and fame...they have been traded for a part-time gig with a FABULOUS children services' agency and well, I don't know what else. And before you ask, NO THERE ARE NO BENEFITS. I am willingly plunging myself, husband and our children into the unknown and frightening realm of the un-insured. And I am TERRIFIED.  Lots of all caps today - sorry.

I decided not to stop writing this blog just because I am having a hard time.  That would be dishonest.  Right now, this adventure sort of sucks.

I am not brave. I whine too much. I focus on the negative and do not sleep well.  I worry that my children are living in a crummy trailer and that they will wonder what is wrong with them - why don't they have nice things like the other children around them. No cable. No computers. No new video games. Just library movies and books. Oh and a half-crazed mother that passes out in the bathroom because she eats Excedrin like candy and chases it with Alka-Selzer...

I miss our house.  Its warmth and non-bugginess/non-mousiness. Add to this that we had to stop paying our mortgage to qualify for short sale b/c we lost $70,000.00 in equity due to the mortgage crisis and you have the recipe for three giant ulcers...

Where is my Faith, you may ask - funny, I am asking the same thing.  Where is my security found? Where is my trust placed? Who is in control of this mess?  Where do I place my feet when the ground is shifting? No happy anecdote or funny punch-line.

Am I for real? Do I really want to do the work to make this transition work? More questions than answers. More doubt than faith. More worry than peace.  I will be honest, I am on the fence. I am tired and sick.

Would God even want me to mention His Holy name in a rambling messy post like this? 

He is peeling away myself - layer by layer and it is ugly under here...no shiny baubles to distract from my doubt and worry. No fancy shopping trips or dinners-out to take my mind off things.  Just bare bleeding ulcers and a gut full of worry. And silence - and guilt that I am not all I thought I was...
Is this where you are, Lord?  Do you wait for me here in this place of infection and strain?  Do You still love this hot mess?  Do You shake Your Head at my initial enthusiasm and then predictable melt down?  Is this what it means to participate in the fellowship of Your sufferings - or are You just peeling away years of false-self and my pretend personage? 

I need You more now than ever.  I don't have the strength to continue to battle against the culture and my own inner-critic without Your help.

I am waiting for You...do You hear me?

As a child waits for the attention of her father...I wait for You.

MOVING DAY!!

After much weeping and gnashing of teeth the day of the move has FINALLY arrived!


This reminded me of traffic in Ethiopia...we don't have THIS much stuff!

By Sunday, September 4th - we will be official Ross County, Ohio Residents!! I have thought about this transition for so long that I can't believe it is finally happening.  The things that were just theories in my head are now reality!! 

TRAILER/COUNTRY REALITIES

FUEL OIL = okay - did you know that the gas to run my stove and furnace will be stored out back in a fuel tank?  WHAT?  I thought there were line thing a ma jigs for that?  I called to have our first delivery scheduled and requested that the tank be painted - "Sofia" - the nice Blue Flame lady - could barely stifle her giggling at my concern over the outward condition of our fuel tank...

TOILET PAPER - ok - did you know that use of too much - too thick - toilet paper can end up with a poop flood in my back yard?? This is news to me.  Only a little toilet paper - and super thin toilet paper, or we will be hiking through doo-doo.  I have NEVER considered where my toilet paper ends up...

SHORT SHOWERS - five minute showers at the trailer - b/c the leech bed can only handle so much water at one time...ummm - what is a leech bed? And what do worms have to do with the amount of water we use when we shower...will they come through the drain and suck my blood too?

NIGHT NOISES - Frogs.are.LOUD!!  I do not want to hear anyone complain about the noisy traffic in the city - frogs/crickets/unknown loud varmints beat any semi I have EVER heard. 

WOOD ROACHES - yes - these are bugs that live in the trees and come into my house when it is cold outside...this discovery made me cry for an entire day - seriously sobbed...(more about these tears in another post)

STREET LIGHTS - it is SO dark in the country - the stars take my breath - I had forgotten there are so many!

MICE - they think they live in my trailer - my father in law patched a hole in the wall and the buggers just chewed through again.  Mike (MY HERO!) has set traps.  Country mice are sturdy.  One mouse squirmed in a trap all night - slamming against the wall and finally Mike had to "put it out of our misery".  Please do not think less of us...if we had let him go - he would have come back in.  The boys were devastated - Elisha insisted it was super cute and we should let it live...however, he wasn't ready to let it live in our new home - so - well - you get the picture.
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I am so thankful to my family for their help during this transition.  We could not have made this happen without the help of Mike's mom, step-dad and brother, Scott.

The musty smells of our new home remind me that there has been no human life in our trailer for three or four years.  I will continue to try to make this space our home and will try to learn to appreciate that ants, roaches, mice and moths and other spiders are God's creation too.

Thanks for your prayers and continued interest in what God is doing for us!