Christian's Momma

Mother's Day is a noble attempt to honor the woman in our life that birthed us and raised us.

My mother was only 21 when I was born - she dedicated herself to me and my sister. I don't have one single memory of an important event in my life where she was not there - cheering me on.

I carry her voice in my head and heart everyday of my life. I am so thankful that she taught me the ways of the Father and pushed me to be my very best.

This day also makes me think of my grandmothers - Evelyn Elizabeth Holley and Margaret Pauline Tigner. 

Grandma Holley is in heaven - I remember her wide toothless smile and her deep brown eyes. My Grandma Holley was a God-fearing woman - she spent much of her life in a chair - praying and loving from that space.  She took joy in small things.  She died the year I became a mother. She never had the chance to meet her grandsons - but I know that she would be so tickled by them.

On October 3, 2003, I became mom to a head strong four year old boy, Christian Lee Howard. To say that I was terrified is an understatement. I had never cared for anything other than a cat, and now I had a real live flesh and blood son. No pregnancy or baby shower - no labor and delivery -- just POW and I was a mother.  Somewhere inside myself I knew that this would be my life's greatest challenge.

My heart aches when I think of all the mis-steps and wrong turns I have taken as a mother. I had this dream of cuddle time and long hugs - reading while on a blanket in the backyard and just blissful, peaceful love.  Reality was screaming fits, lots of mud, and stark naked fear.  Christian and I have a strong bond - but it is much different than I would have expected.  It has been forged in a war for control.  My boy is not only head strong - but brilliant and catches on at lightening speed.  We fought for control over meal time, nap time, bath time, toilet training, and school.  Every time I thought I would lose my mind - the Lord would help to see that my chubby faced - brown eyed boy was just making sure he was safe.

Getting a new mother at 4 must have been so difficult for him. But we didn't give up.  He will be 13 in about 3 months and I am so proud of the young man he has become.  I realize that he is more like me than I would like to admit.  Strong willed, immovable - He brought me flowers yesterday in his shy way.  I wrapped my arms around my stubborn boy and squeezed.  I realize that I loved him - more than ever. 

I realize that motherhood is a commitment that has no end...that I have learned to love another woman's child as my own flesh and blood - and that this is made possible only through the Father's love for me.

Just when I think my patience will wear out and I will really lose my mind this time - there is grace from above and unspeakable love from the depths of me that urges me onward.  Not a mushy gushy love - but a strength that the Lord gives to love completely even in the midst of whatever battle we are fighting. 

You see, Christian was dedicated to the Father when he was a young child - he has a life purpose to further His Kingdom.  Christian is already advancing the Father's love - you should see my boy minister and love our homeless friends...give up his extra pillow or back pack to one that doesn't have anything.  I will continue to wage this war for my son's soul.  The evil one tried to take out my boy through abuse and abandonment - but I will not allow this to be his heritage or to determine his future. 

On this Mother's Day - I want to thank God for my strong-willed son and praise Him that he trusted me enough to be his mother.  I send prayers to all the adoptive moms and step-moms that engage in the same struggle - know that you are not alone - and you are doing the Father's work - every time you hold your child and don't give up - you are the hands and feet of God.

Love to you all.

--Liz

And justice for all...

Seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly before your God...

My employment is being an attorney.  This always surprises people. They have never met a poor lawyer...it is amusing to watch people register this fact about me.  I am SO NOT the typical attorney at law.

I went to law school with the lofty idea of helping people.  My calling came out of Proverbs 31:8&9. "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those who are perishing. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice."

I am ashamed to say - that I lost track of this calling at points in my career - the lure of money and influence often clouded my mission to seek justice for the poor and helpless.  Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with making a good living and influencing your profession - these are noble pursuits when coupled with God's will.  But my call is different...on and off for 10 years I have struggled with the drive to be the best - make the most - make a name for myself AND the alternative voice - seek justice for those who cannot speak for themselves.

I am thankful that I serve a patient Father who gently guides me back to His plan for my life.  I am now working as a children services attorney in the poorest county in the State of Ohio.  I don't have an assistant or a plush office space - no one brings me coffee or goes to pick up my lunch (I would so love this!!).  But I work with the most amazing, committed people I have ever met.

This week I had a trial - I cannot give the details, but, seriously, it was the most rewarding thing I have ever been a part of...I watched love and truth overcome serious evil.  I do have a dramatic bend...but I am not exaggerating in this case. I have never been more fulfilled in my work than I am right now!  I had the opportunity to assist in giving the helpless a chance to speak up for themselves - to fulfill the exact call on my life. Praise be to God. He is the giver of good gifts.

IT IS WORTH IT! Following the Father's voice is worth it. I am posting this on my blog so when the dark times come - I can read it and remember, remember His goodness.

I will hold my head high as I clip coupons, barter for car repairs, and shop discount stores. I will shine up my 10 yr old car and tell anyone who will listen of His goodness and mercy.  I will begin to try to love this single wide trailer and the freedom it has given me to find this gift of obedience.

Happy weekend, friends. May you find the same gift of fulfillment in your daily lives.  May your days, even when they seem mundane, bring the Father glory!

After a six month hiatus...

I have decided to reboot the old blog. Yes, we are still living in our single wide trailer, and yes there are still bugs and mice...less though - we are becoming avid warriors!

I have been amazed at how my flesh has continued to struggle with this transition. How changing our societal status by choice has been so unsettling. So much of my identity was wrapped up in my job and our home. I didn't make much money and had a very simple, conservative home - however we were still "acceptable" because we were somewhat "normal".

Being poor, or identified as poor, by choice is sincerely uncomfortable for everyone concerned.  Don't you have any drive? Don't you have goals for your future? And the zinger for me, "How will this effect your children?"  People we love so much, do not understand our choice. Hell - most days I don't understand our choice - but one thing is sure...I am not spending the next 38 years climbing an invisible ladder that leads to self-centered, self-righteous living.

Mike has started looking for additional part time work - even though he puts in more than 40 hours a week at a job that is not valued by our society and therefore, does not pay.  He has endured harsh criticism by the well meaning, and has been virtually ignored by those we thought would help. No, this not the ramblings of a bitter wife - just someone who is once again counting the cost.

We continue to slug it out because our hearts have been stirred by the Father.  It is so vital that I remember what got us here. Selfish motives on my part in some ways...less stress, less bills, more time to be a mom...
And now that it is hard - harder than I ever imagined, why are we here? Was this just a mid-life mis-step? No. I still believe that God moved our hearts through His Word, our trusted pastors and my trip to Ethiopia. I still believe we serve a God that is heart broken for the broken and the poor.  And more than ever, I believe the Father reveals Himself in the struggle.

I find peace in knowing that I am engaged in the struggle to know Him and advance His love.  My sister sent me a text the other day reminding me of the final verse shared by our Dad on his last Sunday before he died - Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous...

I will continue forward with courage, in our single wide trailer - I will answer the strange looks and judging spirits with compassion and view it as an opportunity to share how close the Father is to the struggle...

I will continue to fight the fear that chases me with strength and confidence in the One who calls my family out from among the normal to experience Him in a different way.  His Words will be my battle cry to the enemy...we will not stop, we will not falter - I will not be moved.

Your prayers are so appreciated. I pray many blessings on you and yours.