Three Ulcers and a Funeral

Okay. I worry. I worry A LOT.  I like to be in control. I prefer well-thought-out adventures without surprises.

Imagine my surprise when I passed out in the small bathroom in my single wide trailer last week.  That, my friends, was NOT part of the transition plan.  Well several tests and a two-day hospital stay later and I was diagnosed with bleeding ulcers.  I am not asking for sympathy - just wanted to point out that our health insurance runs out in November and my last day of steady, reliable employment is November 11, 2011. Perfect, huh?

I have this pit in my stomach...not from ulcers or numerous medications, but a raging uneasiness. I am full of second guessing and questions.  What the HELL was I thinking (sorry, mom, for the curse words, I believe my curse filter is set to OFF). 

The funeral part is not an actual funeral - thank God. But a funeral for my budding career as a domestic relations lawyer.  Let's have a moment of peace for my old dreams of partnership and fame...they have been traded for a part-time gig with a FABULOUS children services' agency and well, I don't know what else. And before you ask, NO THERE ARE NO BENEFITS. I am willingly plunging myself, husband and our children into the unknown and frightening realm of the un-insured. And I am TERRIFIED.  Lots of all caps today - sorry.

I decided not to stop writing this blog just because I am having a hard time.  That would be dishonest.  Right now, this adventure sort of sucks.

I am not brave. I whine too much. I focus on the negative and do not sleep well.  I worry that my children are living in a crummy trailer and that they will wonder what is wrong with them - why don't they have nice things like the other children around them. No cable. No computers. No new video games. Just library movies and books. Oh and a half-crazed mother that passes out in the bathroom because she eats Excedrin like candy and chases it with Alka-Selzer...

I miss our house.  Its warmth and non-bugginess/non-mousiness. Add to this that we had to stop paying our mortgage to qualify for short sale b/c we lost $70,000.00 in equity due to the mortgage crisis and you have the recipe for three giant ulcers...

Where is my Faith, you may ask - funny, I am asking the same thing.  Where is my security found? Where is my trust placed? Who is in control of this mess?  Where do I place my feet when the ground is shifting? No happy anecdote or funny punch-line.

Am I for real? Do I really want to do the work to make this transition work? More questions than answers. More doubt than faith. More worry than peace.  I will be honest, I am on the fence. I am tired and sick.

Would God even want me to mention His Holy name in a rambling messy post like this? 

He is peeling away myself - layer by layer and it is ugly under here...no shiny baubles to distract from my doubt and worry. No fancy shopping trips or dinners-out to take my mind off things.  Just bare bleeding ulcers and a gut full of worry. And silence - and guilt that I am not all I thought I was...
Is this where you are, Lord?  Do you wait for me here in this place of infection and strain?  Do You still love this hot mess?  Do You shake Your Head at my initial enthusiasm and then predictable melt down?  Is this what it means to participate in the fellowship of Your sufferings - or are You just peeling away years of false-self and my pretend personage? 

I need You more now than ever.  I don't have the strength to continue to battle against the culture and my own inner-critic without Your help.

I am waiting for You...do You hear me?

As a child waits for the attention of her father...I wait for You.